Ask Elliot - he cares.

My problem is simple. I've been seeing a guy for about 2 weeks and we haven't had sex yet but I know he wants to and I don't think I can put him off anymore. Thing is, I've got herpes. I really like him but I don't know how to tell him without losing him.
Jane, Lancs.

Elliot says: I'm sure you're worried that he'll think about what a dirty little slapper you are and you're right, he probably will. The best way to tell him will be to copy that STD advert on the TV and get a pair of knickers with your condition written on the gusset. That way he'll have fair warning before he puts his face in the wrong place. Make sure you read his pants as well just in case he has something himself.

Hi Elliot. In a bit of a bind. At work today I was talking to some people in my department when I was a bit rude about my boss. 'Moody, two-faced bitch' were the words I used. But I didn't know she was in earshot and I still don't know if she heard me or not. How do I play it when I go in on Monday?
Sue, Reading

Elliot says: Firstly I'd say that if 'moody, two-faced bitch' is an accurate description then there's no harm done. If she confronts you, your reply should be this: 'But you're a M.F. Bitch...' Then I would ask for a promotion. This is a gamble. If she goes mad, throw dog poo in her face and run away. Happy to help Sue, good luck.

I've found recently that my wife has become distant and I'm worried that she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know how to approach the subject. Any thoughts?
Tom, Cheshire

Elliot says: There's a chance you've got yourself in a rut because you're a complete bore and a loser. Have you thought about that? Try talking to her about this and find out if she even likes you. It's possible you need to be euthanasia'ered.

My Dog is becoming a problem. Every time me and my girlfriend close the bedroom door to have sex he starts barking like mad and scratching at the door. I don't know what to do...
James, Leeds

Elliot says: If bestiality isn't an option for you, there are other things to consider. Try some dog porn – Horse and Hound magazine, Lassie, Turner and Hooch (for the bitches). Or if your dog likes it hardcore, try Animal Farm. Alternatively just chop off its nuts.

Are right-angles real or a deception created by an imaginary force that humans are unaware of in a conscious state of uncertain realism? Best wishes,
Georgey, Paris, France

Elliot says: I asked Stephen Hawkings the same thing last time I was at Cambridge. He gurgled and shat himself, but I don't know if that was to do with the question.

What is the most you've creamed one out in a day? I've done seven but I bet a man with facial hair can do more. Also, how big is your length? Coz my mate told me it was like a needle in a haystack, but I think you've only got one leg!
Malcum Powder, Sawbridgeworth

Elliot says: Well, Malcum, although it seems as though you're a bit too interested with another men's sexual statistics, I'll answer your questions anyway.

1. The last time I went for the record, I think I had done 6 by early evening, then a mate came round without warning so I had to stop.
2. Somewhere in between your 2 guesses.

Can you help me with my coursework? It's about how the English were defeated by the Scottish lead by Mel Gibson. Any info you could share would be great.
Rick, Dickland

Elliot says: As we know, Mel Gibson was a great Scottish hero. After defeating the English he then toured America for 3 years sleeping with hookers. What a guy. Write all this down and you're sure to get an A+, or your money back.

Elliot, I own and operate a detachable penis which I mistakenly left round a whore house. Now she won't give it back. How can I make her give it back?
John Spartan

Elliot says: Tell her that she can keep it, coz you've had such a good time sticking it up the arse of your pets and your mate, (one of whom has just died of some nasty infection). If she doesn't give it back after that, break in, steal it back, and don't overuse (you may have to buy a nappy one day).

Elliot, my friend says he can cure my roids by freezing them and bashing them with a hammer, but this sounds painful, surely there is another way?
Peter, North Pole

Elliot says: With the amount of ice you have up there, I think you should give it a go. But don't freeze too much of your arse - a dear departed friend of mine lost his entire backside that way and died of standing up.

How are you Elliot?
Samantha, Michigan, USA

Elliot says: Fantastic, thanks.

Is there a God?
Libby, Essex

Elliot says: Well, it's hard to say. But I have solved the question "if there is a god, why does so much bad stuff happen?". Simple, if god is a man and if most men could be omnipresent, wouldn't they use their abilities to watch girls in the shower, play lots of practical jokes (like every time I find my keys in a different pocket to where I put them), and get lots of women to sleep with them?

Basically, if he is out there, he's a bit of a pervert. Think about that next time you're trying on a pair of skimpy undies. If you've lost faith you can always worship me instead. I'm in the middle of rewriting the bible anyway, but with more drugs and orgies. I'll send you a copy when its done.

Whats the best way to drug a girl?
Ian Kemp, New Zealand

Elliot says: Take the drug on yourself first to show her that its not harmful. If you wake up and you've been raped, count yourself lucky.

I like a bit of necrophilyia from time to time but the sex seems a bit lifeless. Any way I can liven it up a bit?
Pete, Canvey Island

Elliot says: Make up a special dance to raise the dead. But be careful, that's actually what the film Night of the Living Dead was based on.

Wednesday 6th April 2005

Absolutely fucking glorious to see that 3lliot.com is back - life has not been the same without you for 8 months. I was just wondering whether Elliot had any views on how many haggis's it is possible to eat in one sitting coz my sister did 31 and I think that's fucking impressive!
Johnny Sweat, Fife, Scotland

Elliot says: Thanks for the support Johnny. The previous record was held by McAndy McFitzgeraldMc who died in 1872 after stealing the Tescos delivery horse and cart and eating 29 haggis. He was too full to make his escape when the linch mob came and he puked all over the crowd when the noose went taught. Your sister is a magnificant woman who shows McAndy McFitzgeraldMc didn't die in vain.

Elliot, do you find your 'roids interfere with your everyday lifestyle? Which I assume largely involves combing your fantastic hair and playing with your willy.
Joe Snotballs, Island

Elliot says: Joe, as I am currently in Latin America for many months and I have found it very difficult to get the cream for the 'roids in these 3rd world countries. But an ancient local Indian method involves spreading papaya and olive oil, mixed with mayonnaise, over your arse, then standing on your head naked in the town square with your legs apart for 3 days. I don't know if this works yet but I can tell you I have been deported from 3 countries in the last 2 weeks.

Ever since I met Phil I wanted to have his babies. I tried flashing him to get some attention but this failed miserably. I can't sleep at night, all I can think about is the way he eats a bacon sandwich. Help!
Ali Rulton-Yamamoto, Essex

Elliot says: Phil sounds like a legend and may be out of your league. If you have a bacon fetish the next best thing is to have an affair with a cannibalistic pig.

I have recently discovered that I can only jizz a maximum of one and a half metres, is there any way that I can improve this?
Tony Bone, Bristol

Elliot says: With a tail wind and down hill. Or take a running start like javelin throwers.

I was working at a supermarket one day when I got in to a yoghurt fight with some crazy guy (which was not MY fault) anyway we got told off by the manager and now I want a job back there, what shall I do? Please help Elliot your advice means a lot!
Angela, Essex

Elliot says: Angela, it sounds like this manager was a bit of a prick, with no sense of humour. And the guy who had the yoghurt fight with you sounds like a credit to the human race. If you want a job there tell them I will give you a reference.

I can't find a man, anywhere!
Morrag, Devon

Elliot says: They normally dwell in cities, towns and villages all over the world. You have to look outside your house.

Why am I so good looking?
Jason, Baz Vegas

Elliot says: Because you’re thick and smell like Branston pickle so God had to give you something.

When me and my boyfriend have sex I like to do a lot of foreplay before hand but my boyfriend seems to just get bored. He just wants to jump straight into sex but when I give in he only lasts 5 minutes and then falls asleep. What can I do to make my boyfriend last longer and do the things I want to do? HELP!
Anon, Cornwall

Elliot says: Make sure you have a lot of batteries for your vibrator. When he is asleep finish yourself off and get back at your selfish man by jizzing in his face and wiping the vibrator off in his hair. He’ll soon catch on.

Chicken or egg?
Trent Kran, Oxford

Elliot says: Both. With chips and lots of ketchup.

I have impetigo. The doctor has given me pills but I don’t believe they’ll work because frankly, I’m just like that. Any cheaper alternatives I can find in the garden shed? Or the garage I’m not fussy.
Watty, Cardiff

Elliot says: A shovel over the head is a good alternative as impetigo is nearly always fatal. This edition of Ask Elliot is dedicated to Watty of Cardiff, the brave soul who fucked the wrong bird.

Hey, I'm cute, you're cute… wanna come to Virginia and bump uglies?
Anna, Norfolk, VA, USA

Elliot says: First I require a photo, if you pass the ugly test I'll send you an application form. If not I'll have someone send you a complimentary butt plug.

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