Elliot often claims he accidentally flushed 'a little man' down the shitter when he was a boy. Since then he has kept a Poo Diary in which he records his each and every bowel movement in the futile hope of finding the evidence he needs to prove that little people live(d) up his arse.
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10:04 AM, Monday 24th March, duration: 45 seconds |
The Poo Diaries are back! Some people say I'm pretty anal about my arse but I think that's a load of shit. The reason there have been no entries for a while is that I have been studying with the monks in the far and distant mountain ranges on Guernsey. There I took a vow of constipation as the monks believe this to be the path to spiritual cleanliness. Unfortunately, I lost bowel control during morning prayer and sprayed the congregation with effluent. I'm not sure this did much for the cleanliness of their spirits and I was expelled from the order.
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7:42 PM, Tuesday 11th May, duration: 7 minutes |
This one was in a hurry to get out and see the world with a promise that things get better when it passed my bowels. Alas, all it found was a small pool of water followed by more pipes. You’ve got to feel sorry for the little guys.
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11:17 AM, Monday 10th May, duration: 15 minutes |
READY, AIM, FIRE the porcelain piercing toilet torpedo. BOOOOM!
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12:01 PM, Sunday 9th May, duration: 13 minutes |
Todays Poo was more akin to the planet Venus – solid, bumpy, high temperature, huge pressure and highly toxic gas surrounding it.
1:26 PM, Saturday 8th May, duration: unknown |
Be still my bleeding arse.
10:12 AM, Friday 7th May, duration: 8 minutes |
Slurry in a hurry (I went out last night).
9:51 PM, Thursday 6th May, duration: unknown |
I’ve got two words and they’re FUCKING HELL.
11.39 AM, Wednesday 5th May, duration: 12 mins |
In planetary terms this was like Jupiter – a volatile gas giant with a large number of small solid moons of varying composition and gravitational pull.
8.31 PM, Tuesday 4th May, duration: 16 mins |
Like a Shakespearian sonnet – quite long, slow and brings a tear to your eye.
